


Wedding Night

by kiranerys42



Series: Sex Bloopers [3]
Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Drunkenness, Established Relationship, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Podfic Welcome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-07-16
Packaged: 2020-06-29 10:08:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19827937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiranerys42/pseuds/kiranerys42
Summary: Now that they're married, Patrick wants to have sex with his husband. David just wants to sleep with his husband--as in, actually sleep.





	Wedding Night

“David,” slurred Patrick as they stumbled through the door to their hotel room. “David. I love you so much.”

“Yes, I know, I love you too; but that is literally all you have said to me for the past ten minutes; also, we just got married, the fact we love each other is the entire _point_ —” David somehow managed to get Patrick to walk to the bed and sit down without either of them falling over, which he thought was quite an accomplishment. Patrick was stumbling so much he’d almost knocked them over.

“I know you love me, Patrick. I love you too. But it’s been a long, _long_ day, and now we need to sleep.”

David wasn’t drunk, exactly—he’d stopped drinking a while ago, around the time his mother had begun arguing with the DJ about the music—but he was very tired. And Patrick was definitely drunk. Very, very drunk.

“David,” said Patrick, even more emphatically. “We’re married now. You’re m’husband. W’should have _sex_.”

“I mean,” replied David, carefully extricating himself from Patrick’s insistent embrace, and walking to the bathroom to fill a glass of water. “Sex on your wedding night is traditional, but traditional isn’t exactly our style, I mean, you gave me _four_ engagement rings… okay, alright, yes, I know you want to kiss me; just drink this first.” David shoved the glass in Patrick’s face, and after realizing he couldn’t hold it without spilling, gently helped him tip it back so he could drink.

“C’mon, David.” Patrick grabbed David’s ass and pulled him closer. Not sure what to do with the empty glass, David tried to lean over to set it on the nightstand, but couldn’t quite reach, and had to set it on the floor instead. “I want you _so much_. Let me…lemme…” Patrick began trying to simultaneously untuck David’s shirt and unbuckle his belt, which David found very endearing, but also very inefficient.

“I’m pretty sure I should be the one helping you get undressed right now, not the other way around,” David said fondly, running a hand through Patrick’s hair. He didn’t try to stop Patrick’s fumbling; he really wanted to see whether Patrick currently had the dexterity to successfully undress him.

“Please. I wanna… wanna fuck you. Wanna… make love to m’husband.” Patrick had managed to get David’s shirt untucked, and was pushing it up so he could nuzzle at his belly, and stroke his lower back, and—okay, that actually felt really nice; but this really wasn’t—he shouldn’t—

David gently removed Patrick’s hand from his back. “Okay, first of all, _make love_? Second of all, honey, I’m not sure you could even get hard right now; you’ve had a _lot_ to drink.”

“Don’t care.” Patrick leaned back, spreading his legs and trying to pull David down onto the bed with him. “Y’can fuck me instead.”

“Mm, I’m not sure that’s a good idea, either,” David said, as he followed Patrick down on to the bed, landing above him on his hands and knees. “You know I don’t like to have sex when we’re drunk.”

“Mmhm, consent is sexy, I remember.” Patrick tried to lean up to kiss David, but he seemed to lose the energy to do so when halfway there, and just flopped back down on the bed. “What about handjobs? Can I consent to a handjob?”

“You’re very persistent, aren’t you?” David said, trying not to laugh. “I’ll tell you what. I’m going to get undressed, and so are you. Then we’re going to get in bed—”

“Already am in bed,” Patrick interrupted.

“I mean _in bed_ , like under the covers, with our heads over there where the pillows are.”

“Don’t need a pillow,” Patrick complained. “I have you. You can be my pillow.”

“And _if_ you’re still awake and still in the mood once we’re in bed—”

“Mmhm? Then what?” Patrick grabbed David’s ass and pulled him closer. David tried very, very hard not to grind against him.

“Then maybe we’ll have sex,” David responded.

“Oh yeah, y’really know how to turn me on,” teased Patrick. “‘Maybe we’ll have sex,’ that’s what a man likes to hear, on his wedding night, from his husband.”

David didn’t say anything. Instead, he stood up and began taking his clothes off.

“David,” pleaded Patrick. “Y’look so good. Take your—yeah, like that, take your shirt off, and your—”

“Patrick,” snapped David. “You don’t have to narrate me undressing. Take your own clothes off.” Taking a deep breath, he said in a gentler tone, “Please.”

David turned his back to Patrick, and continued undressing, carefully folding his clothes and hanging up his jacket, which had somehow ended up on the floor halfway across the room. And then he had to find his pajamas, which were _not_ where he thought he’d put them earlier, and put those on. And then he had to unfold and re-fold his pants so that he could fish the room key out of his pocket, and put it on the table by the entryway so he could find it in the morning. And then he had to find his phone charger, and find somewhere to plug it in, and plug his phone in, because it had died hours ago.

Finally, he turned back around, and saw Patrick was fast asleep, and still fully dressed. And lying sideways across the bed. On top of the comforter, which—oh God, he was drooling a bit, too. Carefully, David wedged a pillow under his head, so at least he wouldn’t drool on the comforter.

Smiling, David just stood and watched Patrick for a moment. His—his _husband_ , who had passed out on the bed, still wearing his suit. The suit he’d gotten for their _wedding_. And his ring; his _wedding ring_ , because they were _married_. It was…a lot, and he just needed a moment. To take it all in.

Patrick began snoring, which promptly ended the moment.

But David didn’t mind. He gently rolled Patrick onto his side so that he’d stop snoring, then headed to the bathroom to brush his teeth.


End file.
